How am I doing at Regent? How am I enjoying my studies?
I would like to say they are wonderful and I am learning so much that has changed the way I see the world and Christianity, but that would only be a half truth.
The fact of the matter is that the dream is over and the nightmare has begun.
I wrote all of that over a month ago and not much has changed. I love my studies and they have (thankfully) taught me to love God more. Studying the New Testament has given me hope to what Christians are about and what they bring to this world. Learning about Philosophy in CTC has given me words and concepts that I can use to wrap my head around things that are going on and Hebrew has given me a love for the Old Testament.
But it is brutal and it is hard.
I read the facebook status updates of my friends at school and it sounds like we are living in exilic times. They are all cries for mercy from God…all from students in a place studying about the people of God and God.
But the thing I want to write here before this week is over, is what I’ve been learning about myself and my place in this world (I will mention here that I am speaking of identity not apart from God but understood in light of him). Over the last few weeks I have crashed. I have beaten myself up over who I am. I hated and shamed myself for the poor student I am. But I have been learning to accept who I am. To accept that I have a limp and that mistakes and choices that I have made have consequences that will affect me and my studies. And it has brought such peace to know that God accepts me for who I am. And most of all, come Saturday when I fail Hebrew and New Testament or whatever, that God and so many people still love me. It’s ok if things don’t work out like you want them to. I am learning that. I am learning to be humble and receive mercy for who I am. I am learning that God is putting me back together and that it’s not always going to be like this. I’m learning that it’s going to take some time. And that’s ok.
So I sing these words as I begin 48 hours of exams.
“Pain throws your heart to the ground. Love turns the whole thing around. No it won’t all go the way it should but I know the heart of life is good”
And as I sing these words, I whisper; even so, come lord jesus come.
Filed under: Uncategorized, John Mayer, Regent, Time, waiting
It’s so sad, but it seems that without pain and difficulties we would not turn to God, but only get lost in His gifts.
Though i’m not an orthodox Christian, i relate to your words.